Health- 99% asleep
Once again the only thing that has me awake right now and with my laptop out is the fact that I gave my word I would do a blog every single day for a year... I want so very badly to be asleep right now.
It ran through my head "would anyone notice if I missed just one day? Can't I sleep and just do an 'ooops' blog tomorrow?". Believe me when I say that the temptation was almost too strong to resist.
My spoons are gone for the day (ran out of the last of them around 5pm) and it is a form of extreme torture for me to be doing this right now.
Then the thought hit me... this is such a prime example of how doing something so very simple... like pulling out a laptop and writing a few words on a daily basis... is so much harder when you are facing a chronic illness that saps every atom of energy from you. It is not a matter of being lazy or just not wanting to do it but a battle against self to steal that last burst of energy from a body that just wants to shut down.
Just setting up my laptop has my body 'buzzing' or feeling like a billion tiny micro-tremors are tingling just under my skin and have me feeling hot and cold at the same time. I have that 'out of body' experience going on where I feel like it would not take much for my vision to tunnel and for me to pass out. I feel like I am running as hard as I can through deep sand or snow with my fingers cramping and stiffening as I try to remember what I wanted to type next.
I almost burst into tears just thinking about 'having' to blog tonight.
To put it into perspective for someone who does not face an invisible chronic illness it would be like being forced to be awake for 48 hours then being told that you must clean your entire house from top to bottom before you can sleep because it is about to be photographed in just 4 hours by a major magazine and when you enter your house to clean it you discover that a frat party was held while you were away and it is completely trashed. Then, just when you think it is done and you are staggering with exhaustion the vacuum cleaner bag bursts showering a fine layer of dust all over everything. You know you can put in a new bag and clean it all back up, but what you want to do is sit down in the middle of the room and cry.
I am sitting in the middle of the room trying not to cry.
Chronic illness is a betrayal of your own body... you know that you should be able to do these things. You see others do these things so easily and with little to no effort and you force yourself to try to do them as well because you want to be 'normal'.
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